Sending flowers to a funeral is one of those things people worry about getting wrong. Who should send the large piece? Should it go to the funeral home or the family house? What do you write on the card when nothing sounds quite right? In New York City the answer depends on the family’s tradition and on the funeral home’s own rules.
If you are short on time: read the obituary, send the service piece to the funeral home and anything personal to the family’s home, but keep the card short.
Who sends what
Funeral flower etiquette is mostly about your relationship with the person who died. The closer the relationship, the more traditional the arrangement tends to be.
Immediate family. The casket spray is traditionally the family’s arrangement. It rests on the casket itself and is usually chosen and paid for by the spouse, children or parents. If you are not immediate family, another type of tribute is generally more appropriate.
Extended family and close friends. A standing spray on an easel or a funeral wreath is displayed at the funeral home during the service. Grandchildren, siblings, cousins and close friends often send these, and several people may contribute to one larger arrangement.
Coworkers, neighbors and groups. A vase arrangement or basket is usually a good choice. If an office or club sends flowers together, sign with the group name rather than listing everyone.
Anyone, at any point. Flowers or a plant sent to the family’s home after the service is always appropriate, including from people who could not attend.
Quinn Florist keeps flowers for the service separate from those intended for the home because they serve different purposes. You can see both in sympathy and funeral flowers: pieces for the service on easels and stands, and arrangements for the family’s home.
Types of funeral flowers, and what they mean
There is not a single correct flower, and the family’s preference matters more than the variety you choose. Some flowers, however, have a long association with funerals and appear regularly in funeral arrangements. Their traditional meanings can be useful, but they should never override the family’s wishes.
Lilies are closely associated with funerals and are a common choice for services. White lilies are often used in casket sprays and standing arrangements and are traditionally associated with peace and purity.
Roses work for any kind of tribute and carry their meaning by color: white for remembrance, red for love and respect, soft pink for gratitude.
Carnations are long-lasting and hold their form well in a warm room, which is why wreaths and crosses are usually built on them.
Chrysanthemums are associated with mourning and funerals in parts of Europe and Asia. Their meaning varies by culture, so they can be a thoughtful choice in some traditions but may carry a very specific funeral association in others.
Orchids can be a good choice for the family’s home, particularly when you want something that lasts beyond the service. A potted plant can continue to bloom with proper care.
If you have no preference, white is a safe choice, and white with greenery works well for many funeral traditions.
Where to send it
To the funeral home, for the service. Address the flowers to the funeral home, with the deceased’s full name and the date and time of the service. This helps the funeral director get the arrangement to the right room, particularly when several services are taking place.
To the family’s home, afterwards. Address the arrangement to the closest surviving relative. A plant lasts longer than cut flowers and can be a thoughtful choice when the family is returning to an empty house. A white orchid plant can continue blooming with proper care.
Bringing flowers to a funeral yourself. Generally, don’t. Wakes can be crowded, and there may be nowhere convenient to put an arrangement. Having the flowers delivered is usually easier for everyone.
Quinn Florist has delivered to the funeral homes of northwest Queens for more than forty years, including Farenga, Drago and Astoria Funeral Home in Astoria, Edward D. Lynch in Sunnyside, Thomas M. Quinn & Sons and Kennedy-Roth in Woodside, and Papavero in Maspeth. Flower delivery covers Queens, Brooklyn, the Bronx and Nassau County. If you are unsure which home is handling the service, call the shop and we’ll confirm it before anything is made.
When it should arrive
Flowers for funerals and memorial services should arrive before the first viewing, rather than during it. Funeral homes typically arrange the flowers before doors open, so a delivery that arrives during visitation may be difficult to place.
Two practical points. Standing pieces, wreaths, crosses and casket sprays are made to order, so they need lead time and are not available for same-day delivery. Every funeral home also has its own receiving hours. Ask the funeral home, or ask us and we’ll confirm them.
Flowers sent to the family’s home don’t have the same timing pressure. Sending something a week or two later, when the visitors have gone and the house is quieter, can be a thoughtful choice.
Religious and cultural customs in New York
New York families follow many different funeral traditions, and Astoria is particularly diverse. What follows is a general guide, not a set of rules. Families within the same faith can have different customs, so when you’re unsure, confirm with the funeral home or the family.
- Catholic. Flowers are welcomed at the wake and the funeral Mass. A funeral cross or wreath can be a traditional choice, with white and cream commonly used.
- Greek Orthodox. Flowers are welcomed, and standing sprays are common at the church. White is customary, and many families also accept a tribute in the shape of a cross. Red is generally kept for saints’ days and wedding crowns rather than for mourning.
- Jewish. Flowers are traditionally not sent to a Jewish funeral or a shiva house. Food for the family or a donation in the person’s memory is more customary. Practices can vary, so it’s best to ask if you’re unsure.
- Muslim. Funeral customs generally emphasize simplicity, and flowers are not traditionally part of the funeral. Depending on the family, a donation or meal may be a more appropriate gesture.
- Chinese traditions. White and yellow are again the customary colors, with red avoided at most funerals. The exception is the funeral of an elder who lived a long life, where red is chosen deliberately.
When an obituary says “in lieu of flowers,” treat it as a direct request from the family. A charitable donation in the person’s name is usually the appropriate alternative. Include the deceased’s name so the organization can connect the donation to the family.
What to spend
There is no correct figure, and anyone who gives you one is guessing. Spend according to the type of arrangement, not a fixed budget.
The casket spray is usually the largest arrangement and is traditionally chosen by the immediate family. Standing pieces, wreaths and crosses are common choices for relatives, close friends or groups who want to send something larger. A vase arrangement or plant for the house is a simpler option. What matters most is choosing something that fits your relationship with the person who died, not trying to hit a particular price.
What to write on the card
Short is better. A funeral card is read standing up, in a crowd, by someone who has read forty others that day.
For most relationships:
- With deepest sympathy.
- Thinking of you and your family.
- With heartfelt condolences.
- Sending you love and support.
For someone you knew well, one specific memory beats any stock phrase. “I will always remember her laugh” says more than a paragraph. Naming the person is welcome. A single flower with a handwritten line carries as much as a large piece.
Sign with your first and last name, because the family may not recognize a first name alone. For a group, sign with the group. Skip anything that expects a reply, and skip “they’re in a better place” unless you know the family well enough to be sure it will land. A sympathy card goes with the arrangement and is written out by hand before it leaves.
If you want to mark a specific bond, a heart tribute carries that without needing words.
Before you order
Three things settle most of it. Read the obituary, which has usually answered your question already. Confirm which funeral home has the service and what hours it receives flowers. Send funeral flowers for the service to the funeral home and sympathy flowers to the family’s home. And when a tradition is unfamiliar, ask the funeral home rather than guessing. That is what they are there for.
Common questions
What is the difference between funeral flowers and sympathy flowers?
Funeral flowers go to the service and are built to be displayed on an easel or a stand. Sympathy flowers go to the family’s home and are built to sit on a table. Same intent, different job.
Who orders the casket spray?
The immediate family members closest to the person, traditionally the spouse, children or parents. Other guests send a standing spray, a wreath or a funeral cross instead.
Can I still send flowers if the obituary says “in lieu of flowers”?
Follow the request. A charitable donation in the person’s name is usually the appropriate alternative. If you want to send something physical as well, a small arrangement to the house a week later is the safer choice.
How late is too late?
For the service, anything arriving after the doors open is too late. For the family’s home, there is no such thing as too late.
What do white flowers mean at a funeral?
White reads as peace and respect across most traditions, which is why it is the default when you do not know the family’s preference.
Should flowers go to a cremation?
Yes, if there is a service. If the cremation is private with no gathering, send to the family’s home instead.
Can I send flowers to a funeral home for someone I barely knew?
Yes. A modest arrangement from a coworker or neighbor is normal and welcome. Size it to the relationship.
